So, few weeks back, I went to a thing, and while I was there I met this guy. I’d heard of him before, but it was the first time we’d ever talked. Still, we had people in common so I introduced myself and then proceeded to have a really intense conversation. Have you ever met someone and then found yourself saying, “Wow, I normally don’t talk about this” and “I’m embarrassed about this, but honestly I feel…” and other indicators that you’ve just met someone that you’re probably going to get close to? That’s what I was doing. He was doing it back – in retrospect there were lots of things he revealed that he, hopefully, doesn’t normally tell people ten minutes after meeting them.
When we parted ways that night, I was thinking, “Man, I really want to be friends with that guy.” And, because my eyes work I was also thinking, “I wonder if we could date too. He has really sexy hands.”
This love story isn’t about him.
So normally, the way poly works is that I meet a person I want to date, and I pursue it. I tell everyone, and with The Husband make sure he’s totally on board with things since he has veto power (that he’s never actually used, but I still respect that he has it.)
This guy however is my partner’s partner’s ex-partner, or PPXP for short. And the “X” in PPXP is super recent – as in I met him a couple weeks after she moved out. This complicates things.
So I checked in with the Coder of Codes (since he’s the partner in question) to see how he felt about me being friends with this guy. He was fine with that. And while I mentioned that I thought the guy was cute I made it clear that friendship was all I was looking for since I didn’t really have time to date. PPXP and I chatted regularly and even had a platonic coffee hangout where three hours just flew by.
I talked to my favorite Coder again to let him know where things were and to see how he’d feel if I made this relationship less platonic…
He didn’t say “No.” Instead he talked for quite a while about how uncomfortable he was with the thought of telling me I couldn’t date someone. Using my awesome intuition and my psychology skills I suspected that he really didn’t want me to date this guy even if he wasn’t going to say that out loud
These experiences made me a) a lot less patient with people that make it clear that new partners are more important than old partner’s feelings and b) swear that I would do my best to keep my partners from ever feeling supplanted.
Because, guys, I may like this new dude. I may see a whole bunch of potential with him.
But I did the math and it turns out: the awesome thing I already have is > than any possibly awesome thing I might have.
I love Coder of Codes. He’s been amazing both to me and for me. I feel like I’m a better person today than I was when he met me (and don’t get me wrong, I was fucking awesome then.) If he’d like some time to figure out how to deal with me dating someone that his other girlfriend has conflicted feelings about then he can have some time.
This conversation took place a couple weeks ago. Now between you and me, I am no stranger to hypocrisy. So I’ve been expecting to feel bad about this decision. Since PPXP and I continue to chat regularly, and he’s taken to sending me memes that appeal to my occasionally dark sense of humor I assumed that I’d feel regret at not getting to see what he looks like naked. Or that the whole “forbidden fruit” thing would kick in and I’d lust after him even more. But it hasn’t. I’m enjoying the friendship. And if that’s all we get that will be fine.
In short, not getting to date someone the second I wanted to date them is not ruining my life even a little bit. In fact, said life, is pretty awesome.