So this past weekend I went to visit the always delightful Cheerful Sadist. I'm not going to give you guys a blow by blow account (pun totally intended), but I do want to talk about one of the things we did since Christian does something similar to Ana in Fifty Shades Freed. Similar in that both things are called "edging" but not similar in the fact that I consented to it, my Dom wasn't mad at me during it, and I got aftercare afterwards.
In the book Christian is furious with Ana for going out to have a drink with her friend Kate and punishes her by taking her into the Red Room of Pain and repeatedly using a Hitatchi Magic Wand on her so she gets close to coming and then stopping.
Ana has never had a vibrator used on her before. She has never masturbated. This much clitoral stimulation would cause her to come immediately. Especially since Christian isn't telling her she's not allowed to! There is no way he could do this to her multiple times.
But hey, it's "fantasy" (using a very broad definition of fantasy here) so let's let that slide. Except how sexy is this, guys?
He’s just going to continue. For how long? Can I play this game? No. No. No – I can’t do this. I know he’s not going to stop. He’s going to continue to torture me. His hand travels down my body once more. No… And the dam bursts – all the apprehension, the anxiety, and the fear from the last couple of days overwhelming me anew as tears spring to my eyes. I turn away from him. This is not love. It’s revenge.
Like all their scenes this one was never negotiated, so Christian never asked her how'd she feel about some orgasm denial. And he makes it clear he was planning on never letting her come during that scene. Which... oh my god.
Note: Obviously, life happens, and if I'm ever in a scene with someone and there was an emergency so the scene had to stop before they'd let me finish than I'm not going to be mad. I'm talking about deliberately getting me worked up and never letting me release. While some people may like that, I am not one of them, and I bet those people fucking talk about the act of orgasm denial before they start playing with it. Actually I am going to stop and research something...
Yeah, so I asked the amazing and submissive guy behind pure liquid kink since he is into long term orgasm denial (as in he goes months without coming) about how he and his partner got started playing with denial, and he confirmed my suspicions that they had long conversations about it beforehand and started out in hourly increments and worked up to days then weeks then months. So even if Christian thought Ana would like this? He seriously should have talked about it first. Also, you really should check out the pure liquid kink blog. He writes a lot about his take on various kinky things, and while I don't always agree with him, I do always enjoy his posts.
Ok, moving on. Playtime with Cheerful had been planned for a good month, and we'd discussed some general terms of what we were going to do. Then, two weeks before d-day, I had a horrible week. I broke up with someone - someone so new that he never got a listing on the cast page, but still - and had some other life stressors so after that week, with one week to go I called up Cheerful and was like, "Dude, I need this so badly. Let's make it cathartic. Let's see if we can get me to cry."
He agreed to this, and we talked about some things to try.
The day before I came to visit him we re-discussed it. And again before the scene started. I used the words "Break me" repeatedly. I also used the words "I trust you" a lot because I do.
This guy has been through some non-sexy crying jags with me before, back when I was going through a super rough time, and is someone that if I text him saying "I need to talk" he will get to me asap. You know how we all have a mental list of people that we'd turn to in times of serious trouble? The, for most of us, small group of people that we know will be there for us when the chips are down? Yeah, he's a member of the "Has Georgeanna's Back" club. He's an amazing friend and has definitely earned my trust both in and out of the bedroom.
The first part of the scene was normal beatings ramped up to eleven (she types with bruises still on her legs), but then we got to the edging bit. We took a brief break and discussed the fact I wasn't crying or close to it, and agreed that physical pain alone wouldn't do it. The only time I'd felt even close to tears was when he'd told me I couldn't come and then done sexual things to me in between beating me - so we made the intuitive leap that sexual frustration was the way to go.
He gagged me, told me not to come until he gave me permission, and got started using a vibrating dildo and some incredible skill. Seriously, I long to be as good at fucking myself with toys as he is. It took him maybe six seconds to get me super close, and then he stopped. He smirked at me, shook his head as if telling me "no orgasms for you" and did it again. The first few times were kind of fun. I was impressed with how well he knew my body, and my submissive side was really enjoying the fact I had to just wait instead of asking - ok begging - for permission.
But eventually... it started sucking. It physically hurt because my nerves were all worked up. Added bonus, it was exhausting from the sheer mental strain of not coming. One of the main reasons I know that Ana would totally come from a vibe is you have to work not to.
Seeing the distress I was in, my lovely Dom flipped me over, lifted my hips and proceeded to carry on with the vibe fucking while adding a new toy and proceeding to do what Phoenix always refers to as "butt stuff." He edged me a couple more times, and while I was breathing all raggedy, I still wasn't crying. Still, he figured I'd had enough so when he started again he finally said, "Ok, slut, go ahead and come."
He expected me to explode in an amazing display of fireworks that would rival any major town's fourth celebration. Hell, if you'd described the scene to me ahead of time I would have predicted a screaming orgasm too.
Instead, I burst into tears, "No," I sobbed, "I don't want to come. I don't ever want to fucking come again."
This caught us both off guard, but he recovered quickly. In what seemed like no time at all he was seated on the bed with my body curled up and my head in his lap. He stroked my hair, and told me I was awesome and that he was proud of me. Then he did something super smart. He told me that he'd been honored by our power exchange, but now he was going to give me back my power, and that I was in charge of things again.
"We can lay like this as long as you like, but whenever you're ready you're going to get yourself off. You don't need to ask me - you're in charge of your orgasms now. It's your body and your orgasms, Georgeanna."
I admitted that I was actually too scared to come so he told me to take my time. Eventually I got up the nerve to tentatively try. And it took a while, but he didn't complain or even look bored - he just stroked my hair and said nice things to me. When I did come it was, well, not great actually. It was one of those small orgasms that are more of a release than a pleasurable sensation. But! I felt so relieved that I was able to do it.
"Would you like to go for another one, or do you want to take a break?" he asked me, again making it clear that it was entirely up to me.
I opted to go for a second one, and this time he helped me out with some nipple stimulation. So that one? That orgasm was the sort of fantastic experience I'm used to having with him. Then we got dressed, went out to dinner and enjoyed the rest of our night together (a night that I got to come as much as I wanted during!) before I got up at the crack of dawn to get back to my lovely city.
It was awesome. Days later, I am still in a really good head space not because someone made me cry, but because he made me feel super strong afterwards. It was probably my most intense scene yet, and we won't be trying to top it anytime soon. He admitted later that while he'd had a lovely time, it was a lot of work on his part too because he'd had to focus so much on me. (Seriously, reading the body language and deciphering the whimpers of someone that's gagged and facing away from you is not easy, even if you know their body as well as he knows mine.) Next time we'll probably shoot for something more casual - like bondage or forcible sodomy.
Anyway, that's what edging to the point of tears is like in real life. And, yet again, my life is way better than it is in the books.