So, there's this guy.
(And already we're off to a great start.)
Anyway, we met on a mutual friend's Facebook wall years ago, and we've chatted and things since then, but we never officially met in person. And while I had a crush on him pretty much the entire time (he's super funny, really kind, and takes the same stances on politics that I do which clearly means he's intelligent) the fact that we were a few hours away from each other and my other relationships kind of made me hesitant to try to start anything. Plus, even though I had flirted with him a time or twenty, he'd never really flirted back so I assumed he maybe had a girlfriend or just wasn't into me like that. And it was fine because even if we'd always kept things platonic, he was awesome, and I was glad he was part of my life.
Then in December, as I was coming off my normal post-breakup timeout (which involves a lot of me sitting in a corner and thinking about what I'd done) I was chatting with him and learned he had a dating profile, which I convinced him to show me. Said profile revealed three key things: 1) he was available 2) he came across just as awesome as I already thought he was, and 3) he really preferred it if other people asked him out. So I did. And plans were made.
Now the weird thing is since I hadn't met him through kink channels, I had no idea if he was kinky at all. And I wasn't sure how to bring it up since we were mostly just chatting back and forth via Facebook's chat program and it seemed strange to discuss sex stuff with someone I hadn't held hands with (even though I did that with other kinksters all the time.) So we went on our date, and it was awesome. We did end up having sex, and it was amazingly good (even by my incredibly high standards.)
After we'd had sex, several times – not a lot of sleep was had that night – we were able to talk about our desires between our first and second dates. And so he learned that I'm a “very kinky girl,” and I learned he definitely had some kinky fantasies. He really wanted to tie me up which I was cool with. He found out I had the consensual non-consent fantasies along with being into spanking and was pretty enthusiastic about both things while reminding me he had no experience with either. (And yeah, that's the order he found out about them too – the C/NC thing actually came up in conversation so it was easy to segue over to telling him I liked it.)
Despite that, I was still worried about the other stuff I was into. I knew that it didn't matter to me if he didn't want to do other stuff. The vanilla stuff we'd already done was super awesome and he, himself, was just so much fun to hang out with that if we never had kinky sex I'd still want to see him. But... what if just knowing I like age play freaked him out? Or if knowing I liked anal sex grossed him out?
Now the mature thing to do here would be to talk about my fears in an open and honest way. And I did actually do that – he just reassured me that while he might not be into everything I am, but he definitely wasn't going to freak out. I did believe him. Mostly.
Still, I was nervous. So then I got the brilliant idea of eroticizing this fear. A lot of BDSM involves taking things that are scary and finding a way to make them safe and sexy, so I figured I could do it with this too.
So I messaged him the idea: he would tie me up, open my kinky profile with all my fetishes listed*, read them off, and interrogate me about them. I wouldn't be able to escape, and I have to be prepared to explain what the terms meant and why I actually liked them. This was nerve wracking.
I got so wet every time I thought about it.
And it worked out really well. He did not freak out, and actually shocked me by how many things he said he was okay with. I know I haven't blogged about age play very much (I really will, I promise!) but you guys when he said, “Daddy/princess? Yeah, I think I can work with this,” I swooned super hard – even after we'd clarified that he didn't want me to actually call him daddy. Granted, he doesn't really know yet just how many bubble baths he's signed himself up for...
Anyways, the point of this whole post is that taking something I was nervous about and finding a way to make it sexy is an amazingly effective way of overcoming your relationship fears. It requires a partner that you trust enough to share said fears with, but it is so worth it. Afterwards, I definitely felt closer to him. Hooray for improved intimacy through bondage and interrogations!
The next big fear we've discussed eroticizing is dealing with my occasional jealousy by me visiting him after he's been out with the other awesome chick he's dating. So basically, I'll be able to smell her on him. I think this will be super scary and incredibly hot too.
So anyways, life for me is mostly good as I continue to explore my sexuality and drag along some really cute people for the ride.
*Also, it's not really ALL of them. It's the ones I'm comfortable telling other kinky people. It's possible there's still a few out there that I don't tell anyone unless I am highly certain it's going to go over well.